St. Charles, IL – What started as a simple walk in the park for one of the brightest minds in astrophysics quickly turned into a bloodbath. Early this morning, St. Charles residents reported seeing Neil DeGrasse Tyson trampling a rain garden in apparent rage. Near as neighbors could tell, the cause was his dog’s defecation on a nearby grass patch. Tyson had specifically told him to wait until the forest, where he wouldn’t have to pick it up, but the dog didn’t listen. Local neighbor Aashto “57” Smith recounted the experience: “I’ve never seen anything like it. That rain garden eliminated nearly all of the flooding problems we used to be havin’. It filtered out pollutants from pesticides and fertilizers and provided habitat for some pollinators. It even had native plants, for crying out loud!” Tyson did not seem remorseful following the incident, despite the palpable grief of the community. Kane-DuPage county official Ashley Turan promised to “restore this BMP to its high-functioning previous state” adding that “stormwater is an important issue in our community. It is a shame to see the rich and famous trample such a shining example of bioretention.” A vigil lit by weed-burners will be held for the Con Rain Garden tomorrow night at its former site. Organizers will pass out extra propane for those who need it.